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The repercussions of losing

Writer's picture: David MacleanDavid Maclean

Our fear of not being good enough, rich enough, successful enough, good-looking enough, and smart enough drives our motivation to win - often unconsciously. The irony of our motivation to be better than she, he, they, is driven by our fear of not being as good as she, he, they.



Having goals and aspirations is a useful way to continuously learn and get things done. However, an obsession to win easily manifests as disconnection from self, others, and making a helpful contribution. If I’m obsessed with you believing me, agreeing with me, and going with my version, I can miss a better alternative, a learning opportunity, and expanding my situational awareness. Another irony: my obsession with winning takes my eye of the ball.



Think about that annoying person on their phone in the traffic. You want to win and get passed them. Think about that annoying person in the traffic who is tailgating you. You want to win and teach them a lesson to settle down. Next time you experience this, explore why it matters to you. Why is it important for you to be right, better, superior?



A few years ago, I was grappling with a difference of opinion with someone and sought advice from a friend. My friend asked: “how often do you feel superior and inferior to the person?”. My answer: “all the time”. This awoke me to my unconscious behavior, and not only in this instance. I learnt that my perception of inferiority and superiority regarding others, often results in my desire to win. When I’m focused on winning, I disconnect. The disconnection is through my fear of the repercussions of losing. My belief is that if I ‘lose’, I lose my voice, identity, relevance, and belonging.



If you have a difference of opinion with someone, it doesn’t denote you losing anything. If you’re in competition with someone on the field or in business, it can be a powerful motivator. It can also be a hindrance. Recalibrate your focus on being better at what you want to be better at, and not being a better winner.



When working with others and I get into be ‘right’, I remind myself of the response a favorite musician gave when asked how their band writes songs. He replied: “we get together, play, and the best chord is chosen”. This exposed me to the value (and joy!) of placing the focus on the ‘best’ decision for our objective as opposed to going with the loudest voice or most senior person in the group. When it isn’t about being right or winning, we can focus on the version best suited for our objective. Sometimes we’ll go with my version, other times we’ll go with yours. It’s no longer about me as the world, but me in the world.



Capitalism and the fear of not being or having enough drives our motivation to win to avoid being without and not belonging. This is not about being a yes-person without aspirations and a drive to succeed. We compare ourselves to others. Constantly. That’s ok. It is the pathology of winning at all costs against ‘them’ that is exhausting and disconnecting.



Goals, aspirations, and high standards are good. Always having to win; not so much.

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